The relief of lockdown for me comes from not getting anxiety about letting people down as pain can get in the way ... that social calls are now from the comfort of your own home with a hot water bottle and a glass of Pinot Grigio. Now don’t get me wrong, next week friends are coming to Leeds for a couple days and I can’t wait! However, there is still a small part of me which worries about pain and being unwell and ruining things. It’s hard and I know it's psychological and will probably won't be the reality, but I find myself being excited one minute and panicking the next. This is why being in lockdown is the perfect way to socialise without the anxiety of pain ruining it, and it even comes right down to the perfect, comfortable outfit, one which won't show bloating from pain and also looks nice, these are all the things I feel I need to consider. When I think about social situations my first thought is towards how I'll cope with the pain? I have come to learn some ways around that issue, one is by hosting which means I can be at a pre drinks and get dressed up and have fun, but I don’t have to go out, or if I start to feel poorly I can go up to bed or keep a hot water bottle near me.
My fear of going out ... now lots of people love clubbing, being out till 4am dancing and the greasy food afterwards (definitely the best bit). I loved going out in sixth form, I would drag friends out to the club, I love love loved it! However, now every time I think about going out, I wonder whether I’ll be in pain; I won’t have fun due to pain; I’ll have to leave early and can I afford that? And many other racing thoughts.
Now after lockdown, yes, I have loved not having to go out and the pressure that comes with it, however, now I’m going to work on going out, feeling good and talking to friends about my worries, how I feel and having a plan if I'm in pain on a night out.
Chronic pain can limit your life in, but only as much as you let it. So I guess what I’m trying to articulate is that I know from now on I need to push myself to have a plan and be prepared with my medication, but also to ensure that first and fore most I have some bloody fun!
Love Ottilie x